Drivin' Around In My Automobile
by Ivory Tower
Summary: Dumbledore makes Driver's Ed. a requirement for everyone at Hogwarts. The question is who are the worse drivers: the students or the teachers? Chapter 2 is up: Snape is officially a driving instructer. Oh the horrific madness!
1. Default Chapter

"Drivin' Around In My Automobile"  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters.  
  
A/N: I realize that stick shifts are the norm in Europe but I am American and learned using an automatic. However, I have kept in mind that people drive on the left side of the road and have used only generalities when referring to the location of the driver's and passenger's seats. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
Blasted Dumbledore and his insane ideas! It was all well and good if the Headmaster saw fit to make Muggle Studies mandatory due to dangerous times. Severus Snape made unnumbered allowances for the old man't eccentricities, that is, until the old man decided to include Severus Snape personally. Then Dumbledore's "idea" became a problem. Were Snape in charge-yes, yes, he realized he WAS NOT in charge, but were Snape in charge he'd do away with Muggle Studies. He certainly would not include driver's education into the cirriculum. Thses blithering idiots referred to as students could hardly control their broomsticks!  
  
Severus had reeled off these points and much more when informed of his "new position" of helping to teach the students to drive. Snape himself had a rather sketchy experience with automobiles. Surely it would be a complete catastrophe to allow himself and students behind the wheel.  
  
"Nonsense, Severus! I have complete faith in your driving abilities. Naturally, I'm not going to throw you into the lake without a preserver."  
  
Snape just stared at the Headmaster. "A preserver? What do you mean?"  
  
"My apologies, Severus. Muggle statement. What I mean to say is all the professors involved will be taking a quick refresher course before being set loose with the students. I'll see you on the Quidditch Field after dinner."  
  
Needless to say that the entire day was now ruined for Snape. Neville Longbottom added his own personal touch by blowing his cauldron through the roof. Snape shuddered at the notion of Longbottom behind the wheel and fervently hoped he wouldn't be stuck teaching the boy to drive. Grumbling his way through dinner, Snape refused to join the intrigue of his colleagues over a stupid muggle invention. Trelawney also must have been dreading the driving course because she repeatedly saw ill omens in her soup.  
  
Weary in mind and body, Snape marched outside to the Quidditch Field with a large brigade of professors. They had been divided into two groups so the students were not left unsupervised. Much to Snape's annoyance he noticed any number of students watching from afar, obviously expecting a comical car show. The cars themselves were large and boxish, making Snape think of the cars muggles used to cart dead people to cemetaries. Ugly, rattling contraptions. Simply looking at the things put Snape in a foul mood. Dumbledore, on the otherhand, looked positively ecstatic.  
  
"I shall assign everyone a number, one through three," Dumbledore explained as though addressing a group of five-year-olds. Snape rolled his eyes. "Go stand by the car with your number and discuss with your peers who has had the most driving experience."  
  
Soon as the number 3 appeared above Snape's head he started off towards the automobiles he so despised. They looked like primitive animals of some sort. Snape winced as he quickly saw that the car he'd been assigned to was a god-awful blue. He felt the corners of his mouth go downward as McGonagall and Trelawney joined him. Some unseen force out there was having a field day with him. That was the only logical explanation for this!  
  
While Trelawney examined the car as if it were a sleeping Hippogriff, Snape cleared his throat and asked McGonagall about her driving experience. Minerva did not look anymore pleased about the situation than Snape.  
  
"I haven't driven a car in thirty years! Mind you, I only learned the barest essentials. Who would have thought a witch would ever need to maneuver a muggle form of transportation? You've driven before, haven't you, Severus?"  
  
"Yes, but I never considered myself close to instructer material. If Dumbledore expects us to parallel park-Sybil, what are you doing?"  
  
The divination professor was tugging up at the hood with all her might. Her bangles clanked loudly against the metal exterior.  
  
"I am trying to get inside the car."  
  
"That's not the entrance, you twit! That houses the engine."  
  
"Engine."  
  
"The thing that makes the car go. Don't touch the hood, Sybil. Minerva, show her where the backseat is."  
  
"Wait a minute. Albus is doing a quick explanation of the basics. You might do well to listen and brush up."  
  
"What for?"  
  
Minerva fixed Snape with a firm gaze. "You are driving first."  
  
Once they were safely inside the vehicle and Trelawney finally got the hang of the seatbelt, Severus turned the key in the ignition. Sybil paled.  
  
"Is it supposed to...roar?"  
  
"Yes. Yes," said Minerva impatiently. "Muggle transportation is very noisy so get used to it. Very well, Severus, Albus told us to simply drive half the length of the field then turn and come back."  
  
"I know what he said, Minerva. I am not deaf."  
  
"Check your mirror."  
  
"I am" Spat Snape through gritted teeth.  
  
"I am only trying to be of assistance, Severus." Minerva did not look at all comfortable buckled into the passenger seat. She looked very out of place.  
  
"Let's go then." No sooner had Severus pressed down on the accelerator did the car containing Sinistra, Vector and Lupin swerve in front of him. Sybil screamed and tried to duck as best her seatbelt would allow. Minerva tensed. Snape slammed on the breaks, heart pounding. Furious, he rolled down the window.  
  
"What the hell are you doing out there," he yelled, eyes blazing.  
  
Professor Sinistra peeked her head out the driver side and waved sheepishly.  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize the thing had so much power! This wheel is tricky."  
  
"Calm down , Severus. She didn't mean to," aid Minerva, calm once more.  
  
Muttering, Severus started down the course at a comfortable 35 miles per hour. Flitwick sped by in a tiny Volkeswagon Beetle, waving merrily.  
  
"Look at him go!" Minerva was clearly impressed, as was Severus though he said nothing.  
  
Minerva's driving was much more jerkey as she slammed on the breaks whenever she felt the car was "gaining too much control". Snape frowned as the car addled along at a mere 10 miles an hour. He could reach the mark quicker by walking.  
  
"Speed up, Minerva."  
  
"I will not! I don't trust the other drivers. Remus should have both hands on the wheel."  
  
"Don't watch Lupin, watch the path! Damn these muggle inventions!" Snape fought with the lever to mov the seat back as his legs were quite cramped.  
  
"Stop that, Severus. It took me forever to get *this* seat adjusted."  
  
"Well you should be taller," grumbled Snape. "Sybil, what are you doing back there?"  
  
"What on earth are these tiny compartments for? They are hardly large enough to store Knuts."  
  
"I don't know! Don't touch it!"  
  
"But they make the most wonderful clicking sounds when you close them."  
  
Click. Clack. Click. Clack. Click. Clack. Click. Clack. Click. Clack.  
  
"Sybil, please stop that! It's very distracting," scolded Minerva. "Besides, it's your turn."  
  
As they rotated seats Snape whispered to Minerva, "You're sitting up front with her."  
  
"I am not! You are the better driver, Severus."  
  
"Then we'll both sit in the back."  
  
"Severus Snape, get in the passenger seat this instant," ordered McGonagall with a very strict expression indeed.  
  
'I hate that old woman,' thought Snape, glaring as Trelawney apprehensively took the driver's seat beside him.  
  
"Now, buckle your safety belt, Sybil. Check your mir..."  
  
With an ugly sneer, Severus mocked McGonagall's instructful bossiness, having half a mind to stick his tongue out at the old bat.  
  
Trelawney gasped. "The car will not start...it's broke!"  
  
"Turn the key the other way, Sybil," prompted Minerva.  
  
Trelawney cringed when the engine roared into action, and would have sprang from her seat had the seat belt not held her down.  
  
"Put your right foot on the break, Sybil," continued Minerva, in complete control of the situation.  
  
Trelawney's lineage fogged. "Which-?"  
  
"The *left*," interjected Snape. "Now pull that lever down until the marker rests on the 'D'."  
  
"Yes?" Sybil's excitement increased as she accomplished this small feat flawlessly.  
  
"Take your foot off the break," butted in Minerva, "and gently apply it down on the accelerator."  
  
"More pressure," ordered Snape.  
  
Trelawney floored it and they zoomed forward, the engine vrooming as though pleased with the sudden exertion.  
  
"Stop! Stop!" Screamed Minerva, still flung against the back seat.  
  
"How do I stop?" Trelawney began to panick and turned the wheel this way and that, hoping it would somehow stop the car.  
  
"The break! Foot on the break, Sybil," yelled Snape as he and Minerva tried to keep from swerving to and fro with the car. "Your LEFT!"  
  
Trelawney promptly floored the car anew.  
  
"Your *other* left," screamed Snape, eyes bulging horrifically.  
  
The car screeched to a halt far beyond the halfway mark. All three professors sat in rigid silence.  
  
"Minerva, are you alive?" Snape managed to turn enough to see McGonagall's dark hair tumbling from its neat bun, glasses askew. Minerva only nodded.  
  
"Severus, I cannot drive with you screaming at me like this. It makes me nervous." Trelawney untangled her bangles from her hair.  
  
"Sybil...turn the car off."  
  
"But I-."  
  
"Turn the car off, please." Snape spoke the command monotone. He felt dazed. On shakey legs he exited the car and walked around to the driver's side.  
  
"I want to drive back," whined Sybil as Snape flung the door open and gestured for her to get out.  
  
"NO Severus! Don't let her-FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN," shrieked Minerva.  
  
As Snape settled in and readjusted the seat to accomodate his long legs his mind flashed to images of Neville Longbottom and the other Hufflepuff students. He suddenly felt the overpowering urge to break down and cry.  
  
~FIN~  
  
Next chapter: Yes, dear readers, the students take the wheel under the watchful eye of the professors. 


	2. Driving With Mr. Snape

Title: Driving With Mr. Snape  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters. I own my sorry ass.  
  
Over the next several weeks the Hogwarts Professors greatly improved their driving skills...somewhat. McGonagall now drove at a whopping 29 miles per hour.  
  
"Thirty is tempting fate," she sternly informed anyone who questioned her choice of driving speed.  
  
Flitwick, on the otherhand, had used a plethera of complex charms to beef up the engine of the Volkeswagon Beetle. He easily went from 9 to 110 in .5 seconds.  
  
Most of the professors ranged right at or a little above average on their driving test. We won't get into that escapade here because it's a story in itself. Let it suffice to say that Trelawney only passed because she steered right clear of the house elves.  
  
Snape had hardly recovered from the nightmare of an obstacle course he'd driven through to obtain a legal wizarding drivers license when he was slapped with an official instructers permit. That same day the students began to take on sinister aspects that had been previously ignored, or expertly hidden.  
  
The worst was Neville Longbottom. Snape's legs threatened to give out whenever the boy looked in Snape's general direction. Merciful Merlin! Severus *knew* he would end up dead if he rode in the same car with Longbottom. Several times Snape found himself silently praying to the diety of muggle automotives to spare him such a terrifying death. He did not want to die with Longbottom.  
  
Even Severus's practical mind refused to drive away his fears. Logic stated that each Head of House would teach his or her house members to drive, thus ruling out Longbottom from Snape's agenda. But Albus Dumbledore rarely followed logic, and this meant the odds were not in Snape's favor.  
  
The day of reckoning arrived, and Snape started the day resembling a criminal sentenced to the dementor's kiss at dusk. With leaden feet, Severus went to the Head Table and sat in stony silence. He would rather have the Weasley twins take his life in their hands. Why oh why did fate deign to torment him in this ruthless fashion? Heart in his throat, Snape picked up the parchment that appeared on his empty plate. This felt worse than the time he'd just knew he had failed Arithmancy his fourth year.  
  
"Severus, are you feeling well?" Lupin eyed the Potions Master uneasily.  
  
Snape sighed, closed his eyes, opened them, and opened the parchment to reveal his fate. At first, he swiftly scanned the list of students, ready to explode the moment the name "Neville Longbottom" met his black eyes. Calmer, Snape studied the list again to make sure. Again. No Longbottom. Again. Still no Longbottom.  
  
Remus Lupin swore that 10 years instantly vanished from Snape's face when, at last, Snape folded the parchment shut, and picked up his goblet. Lupin was distracted by Trelawney's overdramatic gasp when she informed everyone she had already known who she would be instructing, and the list only served to prove how right she had been.  
  
The student tables were a mixture of groans and happy vocalizations.  
  
"Cool! We got Flitwick," chorused the Weasley twins.  
  
"Not bad at all. I've got Lupin," announced Ron cheerfully, "What about you, Harry?"  
  
"McGonagall."  
  
Hermione looked devastated. "I have Snape. He'll fail me before I even get into the car!"  
  
Ginny Weasley was on the verge of tears. "I have Snape too! I can't drive when people yell at me. I can't drive with *Snape* watching me!"  
  
Ron and Harry tried their best to console the unlucky girls, but hey, better the girls than them.  
  
"Aw come on, Ginny, male instructers are always easier on the female students,"said Ron.  
  
"Ron! This is Snape we're talking about. Snape is not a normal man," Hermione informed him.  
  
The Professors took students 4 at a time as that seemed safest. Snape's bad mood returned when he realized that not only would he be stuck in the car with a Weasley and Miss-Know-It-All, Pansy Parkinson was the only Slytherin in his group. The all-too-familiar sight of that atrocious blue box made Severus want to vomit. He *hated* that car.  
  
"Hurry up," he snapped. "Mr. Creevey, kindly put away that camera before I deduct an additional five points from Gryffindor. Miss Parkinson, do the honors. The rest of you," Snape glowered at the three Gryffindors, "get in the back. Now."  
  
Hermione pursed her lips tightly as she and the two younger Gryffindors scrambled into the back.  
  
"Wait'll dad sees that wizard cars are just like muggle cars," exclaimed Colin, taking a few snapshots of the drab interior.  
  
"Creevey! Another five points from Gryffindor. Now, Miss Parkinson, see if you can show these Gryffindors a thing or two."  
  
Pansy didn't appear as confident in her abilities as Snape. She buckled her seatbelt, and successfully started the car. Ginny pulled out a package of gum and offered some to Colin and Hermione.  
  
"Miss Weasley, no gum chewing in this car."  
  
"But sir," piped up Colin, "it's for our stomachs. We get carsick awfully easy."  
  
"Yes, we do," agreed Hermione.  
  
"Then give Miss Parkinson a piece."  
  
Ginny frowned but complied. Pansy popped the gum in her mouth, put the car in gear, and they shot off backwards. Ginny screamed. Hermione and Snape yelled for Pansy to break, but she was so stunned her foot remained glued on the accelerator. Snape used his wand to apply the brakes.  
  
"Whoa! Colin was the only one unphased by the incident.  
  
"Sorry." Pansy sounded angry at herself, but looked determined to do it right.  
  
"Miss Parkinson, you were given the basics along with the other students. Longbottom couldn't have done it any worse than you." Snape was absolutely disgusted at Pansy for making a fool of him. His insult must have really hit home because Pansy shifted the lever to "drive" and floored it again, this time looking more sure of herself.  
  
"Slow down," yelled Snape and Hermione.  
  
"Faster! This is fun," shouted Colin.  
  
"Miss Parkinson, you have passed the halfway mark. Go back."  
  
Smacking her gum, Pansy swerved and did a major U-turn that rammed both Ginny and Colin against Hermione. Even Snape had to grip the seat to prop himself upright as an antagonizing screech filled the air.  
  
"Stop the car! Stop the car this instant, Miss Parkinson," ordered Snape.  
  
Pansy stopped at the starting point and blew a small bubble with her gum, looking quite pleased with herself.  
  
"Get in the back," said Snape hoarsely. "Miss Granger, you are next. Hurry up."  
  
Much to Snape's annoyance, Hermione did everything she was supposed to: lock the door, buckle your seatbelt, check the mirror... By the time Hermione shifted into "drive" Snape was in a very foul mood.  
  
"Speed up, Miss Granger," he snapped.  
  
"But sir, I don't feel comf-."  
  
"I told you to speed up, Miss Granger. I can walk faster than you are driving." Hermione increased her speed by two miles per hour. Snape deducted five more points from Gryffindor for that one. "McGonagall drives faster than you," Snape informed her. Pansy laughed at this remark.  
  
"You weren't so great yourself," Hermione told her.  
  
"Shut up, Granger! I can drive much better than you."  
  
"Yes, in reverse."  
  
"Quit arguing right now," barked Snape. "Both of you are horrible drivers. Damn Dumbledore's rediculus Muggle Studies!" Everyone gasped. Snape's brow furrowed. "If any of you repeat what I just said, you shall instantly be failed. Do I make myself quite clear?"  
  
"Yes, Professor," they replied in synchronization.  
  
"Miss Weasley, you are next if Miss Granger ever gets us back to the starting point."  
  
Unfortunately, Hermione did not take the hint, and the car putted along at an unbelievably slow pace. Flitwick's beetle easily passed them, Fred Weasley at the wheel.  
  
"Go Hermione go," he shouted.  
  
Potter, Snape was pleased to see, tended to veer to the right-no doubt due to the old breaks, but still, he was far from a perfect driver.  
  
"Let's go, Miss Weasley," said Snape as Ginny and Hermione traded spots.  
  
Ginny's mind blanked, and Snape's evil stare was not helping.  
  
"What are you waiting for, Miss Weasley?"  
  
"I forgot what I'm supposed to do!" Ginny sounded absolutely terrified.  
  
"It's alright Ginny," said Hermione. "Just-."  
  
"Miss Granger, I am instructing this course, not you. Use your head if at all possible, Miss Weasley. In order to set the car into motion you need to do what, Miss Weasley?"  
  
Ginny brightened. "Turn it on!" She turned the key the wrong way at first but finally started the car.  
  
"Ten points from Gryffindor, Miss Weasley. Five for failing to buckle your seatbelt, and another five for not having your foot on the brake."  
  
"But she's not backing out."  
  
"Be quiet, Creevey. Now then, Miss Weasley, I want you to proceed to the halfway mark at thirty-five miles per hour. No more. No less. And keep the car perfectly straight."  
  
Poor Ginny looked both flustered and confused. She nervously eyed the gear shift, cringing beneath Snape's evil gaze.  
  
"Muggle cars do not read minds, Miss Weasley, and do not stamp on the accelerator like Miss Parkinson did."  
  
Ginny tapped the accelerator and they went forward. Appearently this was too much for Ginny because she slammed on the brake.  
  
"Keep going, Miss Weasley. Move. Now."  
  
They drove and stopped. Veered. Stopped. Coasted. Stopped.  
  
"Apply that brake once more and I shall deduct a hundred points from Gryffindor. The car won't bite you, Miss Weasley."  
  
Severus swore he heard someone murmer "Snape might".  
  
"Go for it, Ginny," urged Colin.  
  
Ginny went from zero to fifty, then she turned the wheel too sharply to the right.  
  
"Look out for that car," shrieked Hermione and Pansy.  
  
"We're going to die," announced Colin, throwing his arms up as far as the car would allow.  
  
Fortunately, Snape's reflexes were good as he whipped out his wand to apply the brakes. Ginny screamed. The car screeched. The car in peril, containing Malfoy and some Ravenclaws, promptly shot backwards. Their instructer, Trelawney, yelled, "Whatever are you doing, Mr. Malfoy? The halfway mark is the other way."  
  
"I'm saving our lives," Malfoy told her, then shouted at Professor Lupin's car, "Weasley, your sister's psychotic!"  
  
"Bugger off, Malfoy!"  
  
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Ginny repeatedly told everyone.  
  
"Can't you drive n a simple straight line?"  
  
"Shut up, Pansy, you can't even tell the difference between forward and backward."  
  
"You drive like an old lady, Granger."  
  
"Shut UP back there," roared Snape. "Mr. Creevey, drive us back and then our lesson will be *over* for today. I hate all muggles everywhere and you can tell the Headmaster I said that!"  
  
"All right!" Colin positively beamed as he hurried into the drivers seat.  
  
Unfortunately, there was a slight complication that none of them had forseen. Colin was so small his feet wouldn't touch the pedals. Pansy snickered. To get things moving, Snape performed a spell so that the pedals rose high enough to touch Colin's feet.  
  
"Sir, could you get a picture of me to send to my dad?"  
  
"This is not a holiday, Creevey. Now hurry up before I lose what little temper I have left."  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
Off Colin shot, swerving slightly and rapidly gaining speed.  
  
"And they're off! Creevey leading the pack! He's almost at the finish-!"  
  
"Creevey, slow down right now! This is not a race. You kids are all insane!"  
  
"But sir-I'm winning! Don't you want to-?"  
  
Snape flung his clipboard onto the floor.  
  
"Professor, are you alright," inquired Pansy Parkinson cautiously.  
  
"Creevey, stop the car."  
  
Most reluctantly, Colin did so. All four students stared at Snape curiously.  
  
"We are finished," spat Snape, glaring at them. "Furthermore, I intend to go straight to the Headmaster, and inform him that all of you are a detriment to muggle society, although that might not be a bad thing. Whichever confounded muggle invented these horrid contraptions deserves-."  
  
"Sir, it was H-."  
  
"I don't care who it was, Miss Granger! I curse the day automobiles were invented!"  
  
With that, Snape snatched the keys out of the ignition, got out of the car, and stormed towards the castle with that Snapish stalk of his.  
  
The four students exchanged quizzical looks.  
  
"I didn't think I drove that badly."  
  
"It was all Weasley's fault!"  
  
"You scared Snape too. He said that Longb-!"  
  
"Everyone drove too fast, but me."  
  
"I guess Professor Snape isn't the racing type."  
  
"What do you think he'll tell Dumbledore?"  
  
"Oh no! Do you think Dumbledore will fail us?"  
  
A few days later...  
  
Colin darted from the bulletin board towards Draco and Pansy.  
  
"Hey Pansy, guess what? Next week we're going out driving in muggle neighborhoods!"  
  
Nearby, Ginny and Hermione exchanged worried expressions. Snape in a muggle neighborhood while they drove?  
  
"Oh dear...," said Hermione.  
  
Next Chapter: Will the merry group survive their driving excursion into muggle territory? Will Snape retain his sanity? 


End file.
